reflections..

I'm supposed to be studying right now.. I've got such a tight schedule that it's scary just to look at it.. and it's all my fault cos I've been slacking too much in the earlier part of the week.. Now I've got double the work to do.. but nonetheless I decided to come online to make this post cos this issue was super bugging me.. REally..

As I was doing my prayers just now I was suddenly reminded of something that msN said to me.. (or if I remember correctly, I think it was what msP said msN said.. sth like that la)
Well, basically the contents was something about my being slack because I've already found a job.. Dunno why but I keep getting reminded of this every now and then..

And thru all that stuff that's happened in the past weeks, I realised that maybe msN and I don't really know each other after all.. It was through all my insensitivities that caused her to bear negative feelings, and it was precisely because of this that I found out about all her misconceptions about me.. (which, though seem minor, mean a great deal to me)

I dunno where to start.. But basically every time I think about that job thing, it leaves me feeling really terrible.. It's a feeling of being.. maligned.. with a tinge of anger, a touch of bewilderment, and what have you.. Even though what she said has no consequential bearing, it just makes me feel.. bad..

And why?

Well firstly, I think I'm most appalled by the fact that I thought we were like damn good friends and understood each other.. but turns out.. no..
And to explain why I'm so *** about this (even though it's just a small little insignificant thing), I'm slacking definitely NOT because I've already got a job.. Esp not when this isn't a job that I really want or anything.. Saying whatever she said just makes me feel like I am this never-do-well, can't be bothered person that's content with an audit job.. (not that I hate audit to the core or what, but saying that I'm slacking for this really just makes me feel indignant!)
and the worst thing is, this a horrible reason that totally understates my REAL reason for not striving..

She's been doing super well, and I see why she's working hard and everything.. but I HAVEN'T! AND seriously, I truly believe that no matter how well I do this sem, things are not gonna change.. and if that's the case, then there is no point in trying to do better.. all I need to do is maintain an average standard..

If u still don't get my point, the above paragraph was written with absolute helplessness.. and I should believe that a friend would be able to understand that it's not MY WISH to do badly.. Conversely, I've been doing badly enough with all my grades on a steep decline, and the last thing I wanna hear is that it's coz I'm already contented with what I have.

Well I'll definitely try to be contented.. there's no use in wishing for something out of reach.. Contentment is joy.. as they always say.. but well.. u get what I'm trying to say.. rite?

In any case, my super tight schedule is now making me damn worried because now I'm afraid that I won't even be able to pull off the average standard.. I must NOT get anything below a B!
argh.. and I've wasted enough time here.. nearly half an hour.. I hope this thing isn't gonna recur in my brain..